Ethereum Development Halts After Vitalik Discovers Sex

Ethereum was initially a fever dream within the thoughts of a younger Vitalik Buterin in 2013. The Russian youngster had a dream that in the future humanity might need a blockchain filled with insecure good contracts, enabling individuals to lose hundreds of thousands of in new and thrilling methods. The Ethereum White Paper was written in 2014, and the community was formally launched on July 30th, 2015.

However right here we are actually in 2019 and never a lot has modified with the Ethereum platform. Vitalik has gone lacking and inside drama is ripping the mission aside. So why? What occurred?

We despatched our particular correspondent Pepe Grenouille to Bangkok to infiltrate the inside bowels of the Ethereum Basis to seek out out extra.


“They ship.”
Photograph Courtesy of Google Maps.

Bangkok is a lovely metropolis within the coronary heart of Thailand, filled with unemployed backpackers who didn’t research pc science and the digital nomad nerds they work for who did.

We visited a neighborhood ladyboy hangout to see what we may sniff up about why ETH Growth had slowed down. To not our shock, we found a number of Ethereum Basis members there on the lookout for love.

We spoke to nameless Ethereum Basis member Lane Rettig to seek out out extra about why Ethereum improvement had slowed:

“The early days of Ethereum have been robust for the baby. Numerous white guys in fits screaming at one another and inflicting all kinds of drama in our autistic utopia. This was an excessive amount of for younger Vitalik. It had solely been a couple of months since he had left his dad; nonetheless, we plowed ahead constructing the long run. Issues have been nice till 2017, when the worth of ETH began skyrocketing and Joe Lubin’s greed received concerned. The warmth was an excessive amount of for V, so he did what any 160+ IQ virgin who must get away does – he moved to Asia. For a couple of months we thought this was for one of the best, he appeared extra calm and like his outdated self. Then in the future the Github code commits began to sluggish. We’re undecided what occurred to him, he’s been a ghost ever since.”

Our reporters have been decided to seek out out extra and interviewed one other nameless Ethereum Basis member, a person in a kimono who solely goes by “Vlad.” He was unrecognizable to us from the final time we interviewed him in Malta, most likely an excessive amount of DMT.

Vlad switched up his look.
Photograph Courtesy of Skrillex.

“Thailand confirmed Vitalik a unique facet of life. The elements of the world that may’t be decreased to a line of code or a scalable distributed computing platform. What I’m saying is, Vitalik found the facility of pussy.”

Forensic evaluation indicated that the anorexic Ivan Drago of Blockchain misplaced his virginity a while in early 2017, when Ethereum was simply taking off among the many plenty. This expertise modified the boy without end and would make sense to clarify how he could have come to lose curiosity in his personal mission within the face of some rockin’ unusual.

“That was the start of the tip, man. Starting of the tip. As soon as Vitalik felt pleasure for the primary time, it was throughout,” Vlad continued. “We wanted Vitalik to remain depressing, centered, and unaware of the truth that life could possibly be stunning and enjoyable and cozy so he may make us all cash; that’s the deal we mentioned along with his dad.” We completed our interview and Vlad supplied to offer us a dance, as he was nonetheless on the clock for work, however we politely declined. We thanked Mr. Zamfir for his time and left him some extra milk and bread; we all know instances have been robust for him.

Our reporters wandered deeper into the pink mild district to listen to a well-known, excited squeal coming by way of one of many home windows. This voice sounded acquainted. We heard a nasally and breathy sound that saved repeatedly sucking in air and realized this needed to be the boy himself. We peered into the window and noticed Vitalik Buterin surrounded by Asian girls, males, ladyboys, and animals, all draped round his toes. He had an empty expression and seemed bodily and emotionally drained. Our reporters went and moved the varied cattle apart to talk with the misplaced youngster. 

“I’ve determined it’s rational to pursue an ethically hedonist life-style.” the boy mentioned. “The connection between me, these man-women and cattle has created immense utility for the world. I’ve decided by way of my calculations that my phallus must expertise much more pleasure surplus with a purpose to correctly calm my overactive thoughts down to have the ability to give attention to discovering a scaling answer. I anticipate I’ll be capable to get to work a while round 2025, once I’m capable of management my pent up sexual aggressions.”

“I discovered this transfer in Thailand”
Photograph Courtesy of Financial institution of Hodlers.

We requested Vitalik in regards to the worth of ETH within the meantime:

“The anticipated worth of ETH is the discounted money move of future transaction charges. How do you suppose I’m paying for all of this? I’m the one one propping up the worth proposition of this chain.” We seemed across the room and noticed random ledgers in every single place. As we turned the nook, a Thai employee shot a ledger out of an unspeakable orifice at one among our correspondents, hitting him within the eye. It began to make sense. Vitalik was creating ETH’s first true use case in the actual world.

Our reporters left Vitalik alone after getting him some Gatorade to replenish his fluids and sadly walked out of the brothel. As a reporting staff, we have been confused as to how we may assist him. We weren’t certain how dropping himself in Asian chacha was the right reply to a scaling answer. We finally made the choice to respect his sovereignty and depart the unattended minor as he was and return house.

Our reporters instantly bought all their ETH. 

“One within the…two within the… yeah you get it.”
Photograph Courtesy of Vice.